I would like to dedicate this to everyone who has ever lost somebody.

When someone dies, especially unexpectedly we take time to come to terms with the reality.  We can talk to people and say what happened and wish condolences but somewhere in our hearts we’re hoping run into our friend or family member at the mall and get mad for making everyone upset.  But, this isn’t a soap opera.  When people are gone they don’t come back with some far fetched explanation. They just leave an empty space that no one and nothing will ever fill.

Time heals all wounds but sometimes you’re left with a permanent scar and that is what it is like to lose a loved one.  Everyone copes differently, some people adapt and move on and some people are unable to move on.  Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on and support and love from those that care.  Friends and family are the band-aids.  They don’t heal the wound but they make it bearable and make sure it doesn’t get worse.

Sometimes carrying on after a loved one has passed is difficult.  The hardest part is figuring out what to do next but all you can do is take life one day at a time and know that your loved one would want you to live your life to the fullest.  Cherishing the people we have is so important because you never know how long you will have them, every day is a gift.

I have been blessed to know wonderful people throughout my lifetime, many of whom are still around, some drifted away but I keep track via Facebook and some are no longer gracing this earth.  I still miss my “sister” Paulanne.  It wasn’t blood relation but it was a common knowledge of the fact that we were normal and Adam and Matthew were strange that bonded us.  She had the voice of an angel and could play the piano better than I’ll ever be able to.  We laughed and shared secrets and I’ll never forget when she told me that her life had been put on hold and all the things she would do. I know now she said that to make me feel better cuz she was just that kind of person… that was the last time I spoke to her.

Now Tyrone, you were sweet and funny and definitely had the best impromptu house parties.  You were nice to everyone you met and I can’t name one person who didn’t like you.  I still have trouble believing I’m not going to get a random message about a party at your house or run into you and brad and smitty at stc and reminisce about Montreal trips and southside antics in high school.  I’m too far away to say goodbye in person so this is my goodbye.  You were a link in the southside/ACI/SAM friend chain and its never going to be the same without you.

The loss of someone close to you can either break you or make you stronger but you can’t try to hold in the emotions you feel.  It’s only natural to cry and yes you may want to be strong for those around you but no one expects you to be emotionless.  It will ALWAYS be hard, every holiday, birthday or random special occasion.  Sometimes even something completely unrelated will trigger the uncontrollable desire to cry until you have no tears left and that is completely normal.

One thing that comes of losing someone is the fact that you understand just how precious life is.  Some people understand this all along but it really hits you and reminds you when you lose someone, especially unexpectedly or young.  You cherish the people you have around you because you don’t know how much longer you’ll have them.  Every moment of every day is a gift.  You realize how irreplaceable the people who genuinely care for you and who you genuinely care about are in life.  There are so few people who will come into your life and leave a lasting impression, you never know when these people may appear and sometimes you don’t realize how important someone is to you until they are no longer a part of your life, by then it’s too late .

Love wholeheartedly, forgive quickly, always live without regret and never ever take people for granted.

To quote a hallmark sympathy card, “we don’t grieve without first loving, we don’t love without gaining more than we could ever lose”

Love,

Aunty Candy

You can make it through the TDSB and not know a thing about black history. I was never even taught so much as to know that the Underground Railroad wasn’t an actual train. Until someone sent me a forward about black people’s contribution to society I didn’t know anything beyond Martin Luther King and Malcolm X and a little bit of Rosa Parks. Yes, black students can take it upon themselves to go out and research their own history but why should we have to? It’s part of Canadian history as well so why is it not in the textbook?

It’s not fair that all that is seen of black society is the negative images… we see plenty of black on black crime, violence, gangs. Our youth are bombarded with images of rappers flashing jewellery and cars and lavish lifestyles and promoting hustling and thug life and then we wonder why the black youth are so messed up. We never see the successful black Canadians or Americans doing positive things for their community. In America they have black history classes… why can’t we have a little black history even in the regular class. Name me 3 successful black Canadians or Americans OTHER than Barack Obama…. I’ll wait.

Toronto claims to be all multicultural and they preach about inclusiveness and what not but in truth although Toronto has multiple cultures in the same geographic region it’s no melting pot. Go into a high school and you’ll see that people pretty much stick with their own culture.

Black focused schools are also not only for black people. It’s not like if a white or Asian person wants to go they’ll say, “nope sorry, you lack the pigment for this institution”. I’ve heard several white people complain that if black people have a black focused school to learn black history that they should be able to have a white focused school to learn white history. But tell me, what would be the difference from a regular school? Nothing at all.

I can count on one hand the black teachers I’ve had in my 14 years of public school education and university was no better. How many people know that the governor general of Canada is a black woman? Why isn’t she making any headlines… she’s essentially the most powerful woman in Canada and gets absolutely no recognition.

Now, with all that said I must emphasise the fact that black focused schools are not the end all be all solution to a much larger problem. It’s a step but there are many factors contributing to the high drop out rates among black boys and to a lesser extent girls. There are family dynamic issues that need to be addressed, environmental conditions. The mindset of these young people need to be changed and it takes an army to raise a child and the teachers and education system is a large part of that army but the family and friends are just as if not more important.

Women, I don’t even know where to start.  Females are cunning, intelligent, manipulative, double crossing, underhanded, sneaky, untrustworthy individuals.  Also can be very loving and caring and everything else that inherit maternal instincts have bestowed upon us.  This doesn’t apply to every woman and girl out there, at least not the whole thing.

Women like to complain that there are no good men when in truth there are plenty of good men, you just can’t find one.  Yes, there are plenty of worthless men just as there are plenty of worthless women but of course the worthless men seem gravitated towards the decent women and the decent women gravitate towards the worthless men.  I suppose it balances out nature.  Fact of the matter is that if you would stop bothering with how horrible men are and how worthless they all are and griping about the fact you can’t find a good man perhaps you’d find one.  There’s a point when you have to turn the mirror on yourself and say, maybe, just maybe there’s something wrong with me.  Get outside the comfort zone of worthless men (yes it is a comfort zone),  because if the man is worthless and it doesn’t work out then you can blame the fact he was worthless.  If he’s decent and it doesn’t work out then you have to wonder about where it went wrong.

Young high school girls, SOMEONE please explain to me why you are walking around with a tiny backpack, or no backpack at all.  That’s not cute, it’s stupid because clearly you can not fit a Biology 12 book in that bag therefore you are not taking your textbooks home.  Education is the key to independence and a future, I don’t care how cute you are there reaches a point where you’re going to need to have a head on your shoulders.

Stop calling yourselves “bitches”.  It’s not cute, it’s not tough it’s just dumb.  “those are my bitches”… I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t like some random to come up to you on the street and be like “yo, bitch” so CLEARLY this is not something that you should be calling yourself or your friends.  Females have this tendency to call each other names girls probably call eachother, “ho”, “bitch” and “slut” more than men do.

I’m sick and tired of  girls and women making babies they either can’t afford or for the wrong reasons.  Then you turn around and blame the men.  It takes two my dear it takes two.  Unless he forced you to sleep with him which usually isn’t the case.  If you lie down with dogs, you’re going to get up with fleas.  We’ve all heard this but people don’t seem to take it in.  If you sleep with a man you may get pregnant, it’s the whole purpose that sex exists.  If he’s not the type of man who’s going to be father material or reliable then you shouldn’t sleep with him.  If you don’t know his last name, perhaps you should get to know dude a bit better.  Stop trying to trap men with kids.  Having a kid with a man doesn’t mean he’s going to stay around, doesn’t mean he’s going to pay child support, doesn’ t mean he’s going to fall in love with you and you’re going to live happily ever after.  This is not a soap opera, life doesn’t work like that.  If you try to trap a man with a kid he will probably despise you and call you every name in the book behind your back or to your face depending on the kind of man he is.  In all of this it’s the children that suffer, growing up in dysfunctional homes due to your stupidity, neglegence, selfishness or whatever motivated you.   I’m not trying to get bombarded by a whole bunch of single mothers telling me what great parents they are.  That’s good FOR YOU, but not all of you are so perfect.

If he’s married or in a relationship f.y.i. you ARE the other woman.  Saying dumb things like “but he loves ME” isn’t going to change the fact that you are the homewrecker.  If the homewrecker gets pregnant she’s still the homewrecker.  If he leaves his significant other for you then you will live your life wondering if he’ll do the same thing to you.

Majority of women seem to understand that education is very important.  Females generally tend to be more focused than males when it comes to education and I must give you props for that.  But, when you are in school and getting that education don’t let hormones or men detur you from your goals.  Yes, it’s lovely to have a man around but your focus should be on getting your educational and professional goals accomplished because believe it or not there are A LOT of men out there.  If a man can’t appreciate the fact that you are bettering yourself for the future then you need to kick him to the curb and find someone better.  Be the best you that you can be by yourself before adding a man into the equation because they do complicate things.

Ahhh make-up.  Make-up can be great, cover up some blemishes here and there, pretty up yourself.  But, if you can’t leave the house without a pound of makeup on your face and feel that you are ugly without it then you have some self-esteem issues you need to deal with.  Fact is, men generally aren’t fond of women who wear too much make up.  You need to see yourself as beautiful without the assistance of MAC cosmetics.  Beauty comes from the inside.  Eventually looks will fade and if you don’t have some sort of inner beauty to radiate past the wrinkles and love handles and varicose veins then you are truly ugly.

Fashion will kill some of you.  If it is winter, and snowing, and cold WHY ARE YOU WEARING A MINISKIRT!  That’s not cute, it’s not practical it’s just dumb.  You can look attractive in some jeans and winter boots too, you don’t have to show off as much skin as possible to be nice looking.  Try looking beautiful instead of hot sometimes.  Hot attracts the type of men that you end up complainig about in the end.  Beautiful, attractive, radiant, those descriptions attract the decent sort of men who want more than to find out what’s under the miniskirt.  Nothing wrong with being hot every now and again, but don’t think that men are talking to you because of your attractive personality.  No one wants to take a hoochie home to mama.

While on the topic of hoochie behaviour.  Stop posting scandalous, half naked pictures of yourself on the internet.  That’s not attractive, that’s slutty.  I don’t know what kind of attention you’re craving but I can list the responses you’re getting, it’s either, “omg she’s such a slut” from other women, “if her parents saw her like that, oooo LORD” from parents or older people,  and “I’d hit that” or simply “skeetable” from men.  If you have kids and you are posting up pictures like that you are quite simply NOT A GOOD ROLE MODEL.  If you have the audacity to post up pictures of your kids and then post up playboy-worthy pictures of yourself then you must have something wrong with your head.

It all began one fateful day in December when I was walking through Scarborough Town Centre and popped into PJ’s Pet Centre like I normally do to browse the furry, feathered and finned creatures of companionship like I enjoy doing.  Suddenly I decided that I was going to get a Christmas present from me to me.  I wanted a little companionship in my Hamilton apartment so off to the furry little creatures I went and then I saw these dwarf hamsters.  They were so tiny and playful and this one dark one with a black stripe down her back caught my attention.  I decided this was the hamster I wanted and by the end of the day my furry friend had a new home.  My hamster does have a Lord of the Rings inspired name because she was exactly that… “my precious”.

When I brought her home my mother wondered why I was bringing a mouse into the house lol.  Precious and I enjoyed sneaking up behind her and making her scream and run away.  Precious was a hamster who liked to run,  she ran in her wheel, she ran up my arm and down my leg and on the carpet and in her ball and across my laptop, around her cage and on rare occasions she ran away. 

Precious liked to keep people company.  When I was sad she would always do something crazy and make me laugh or worry that she hurt herself by climbing too high and falling.  She’d always get back up and go about her business like she didn’t just fall from the roof of her cage and in no time at all she’d try again.  Precious kept me company when I was up late studying or when I couldn’t sleep for various reasons.  She be awake and always willing to play and keep me company.  She slept when I was at school and was awake when I was home.  What more could a person ask of a hamster?  Precious gave me a scare when she was running in her wheel and the wheel fell off the cage and she was shocked and lying flat on her belly inside the wheel and wouldn’t move when I shook the wheel.  But as her habit in no time at all she was back on her feet.  She was cautious of the wheel for a few minutes but once she trusted it again she was back running.  She was never a hamster to hold a grudge.

Precious became Donann’s company when I moved away to Japan.  She had a special place in Donann’s apartment and enjoyed traveling to Ottawa with her.  Donann took very good care of Precious for her time there and Precious was very grateful for her love and companionship.

Then Precious moved where she was most needed, to Toronto.  There she kept my mother company over the holidays when my dad was in Barbados.  My mother wasn’t alone because she had her furry friend whom she was no longer afraid of.  There was an incident where Precious escaped her cage but I’m sure she was just giving my mother some exercise to run around the room finding her hiding.  She just likes to play hide and seek.  She felt so loved in Toronto she decided to make it her permanent and final home.  She had other animals to talk to and my loving mother to feed her and play with her and buy her toys and treats.  She spent her last few months living happily and comfortably.

Things that could be learned from precious:
1) If you fall, get back up
2) Anything worth accomplishing you have to work hard for and keep trying till you get it
3) Exercise is very important
4) Sometimes when running through life you may hit a wall but you can’t let that stop you from going
5) If the hand that feeds you isn’t giving you water… bite it

R.I.P. Precious November ?, 2007 – February 7, 2009

What black males don’t seem to understand is that we as black people need to work together to better our situation.  Every time a young black male is the suspect in a crime you are all suspects in a crime.  You shouldn’t blame the police for looking for the criminal you should blame the person who committed the crime and made you all look guilty.  ‘Suspect is black male, about 5’10 – 6’2, dark baggy jeans and a black hoodie’.  Is it the police’s fault that you all dress like this?  This “no snitching” mentality is dumb, it just makes everyone look guilty.  Watch the Boondocks episode from season 2.  Stop going out and acting a fool and blaming everyone but yourself.  You want someone to blame, look in the mirror and blame the person looking back at you.

Stop calling each other niggers.  Nigger is a derogatory term, it always has been a derogatory term and it always will be.  It’s in the same category as anything else that comes out of Uncle Rukus’ mouth.  Coon, porch monkey, jungle bunny, these are all derogatory terms and nothing you say or do will change that.  You don’t see white people walking down the street calling their friends ‘white trash’ or ‘red-neck’.  That word should not be in any black person’s vocabulary for use on anything other than referring to slavery. 

Stop making babies you’re not going to take care of.   I don’t care how the kid came into existence, whether the condom broke, whether the girl lied to trap you, I DON’T CARE.  Fact of the matter is that if you have sex with someone there is always the chance that that person is going to get pregnant and if you’re not man enough to step up to the responsibility when it does inevitably happen than you shouldn’t be having sex in the first place.  Deadbeat daddies are the lowest kind of man in my opinion.  If you can honestly look yourself in the mirror knowing that you are not doing everything in your power to provide the best life for your seed than you are worthless, not even worthy to be taken out with the trash.

Ignorance needs to stop being cool.  It is not cool to drop out of high school and hustle to make money, it’s not cool to shoot someone.  Anyone can pick up a gun and kill someone and think that solves their problems.  It takes a real man to be able to work things out with non-violence.  Famous people like Biggie, 2pac and Scarface are idolized.  Is everyone failing to notice that street life killed all three of these people?  Are we only looking at the money, cars and girls they had during their incredibly short lives?  I have nothing against Biggie and Pac.  I love 2pac’s lyrics but somewhere along the line, people stopped listening.  Street life is revered in the media with artists like 50 cent and the rest of G-unit.  Let me tell you something, being shot it not fun.  If you get shot 9 times chances are you are NOT going to get up to rap about it and get a record deal.  When you kill someone that person is gone and isn’t coming back anymore.  He was someone’s brother, father, son, nephew, cousin, friend, baby-daddy, boyfriend… whatever.  Violence only begets more violence, “an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind”.  You’re not helping anyone when you resort to violence.  The people that feel the pain are your own people, the people who shake their heads every time they watch the news, some even shed a tear.  To the rest of the world it’s just another criminal off the street.  We are the only ones who see it as a step back. 

NO, you cannot all be rappers.  In the past decade look how many famous rappers have come out of Canada… are you counting?  Can’t even fill up one hand can you?  Deciding that rapping is what you will do with your life is probably a bad idea.  I hate to crush people’s dreams but there are dreams and there’s reality.  The reality of the situation is that you can chase a dream but it only matters if you catch it.  Meanwhile real life will knock on your door soon enough and when you realize that there are bills that need to be paid you’d better have something to fall back on.  It is great to want things in life and it’s great to go after the things we want but rapping… you must also be realistic in your dreams.  I’ve heard many many MANY Canadian rappers.  Most of you will NOT make it.  That is the honest to God truth and I wish I could say something other than that but I speak the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  It’s  a great hobby, go to the studio, cut a mix tape in your spare time, have fun but don’t make it the end all be all to your life.

Every time one of you drops out of school, gets shot or shoots someone, commits a crime or in any way fails to achieve their limitless potential we as a society take a step back.  People have worked very hard to get us to the point we are now.  The president of the United States of America is black and you ignorant people are still hustling in the streets acting like there’s no other way.  There is always another way, ALWAYS!  I’m tired of hearing excuses for underachievement, you may be poor, you may be under-qualified but you have potential and it is limitless, find a way out!  Stop acting like the world should be handed to you on a silver platter, you will have to work and work hard for anything you achieve that is worth achieving.  Once you reach your goals though, the feeling of accomplishment is outstanding. 

Now I know there are plenty of black men out there with their head on their shoulders, working hard and being positive role models within their respective communities.  Y’all aren’t the ones who need guidance.  You don’t need the wake up call.  There is always room for improvement.  Instead of sitting on top of the mountain thinking how great you are that you got up there, try helping someone else get to the top so they can see how great the view is as well.  Black people have this history of bettering themselves and forgetting where they came from.  Lift as you climb my dears lift as you climb.  Every lesson you’ve learned could benefit someone else. 

Women, don’t think I’ve forgotten you… you will be next and trust me… I will tear you apart worse than I did the men.

 Yours Truly,

~Aunty Candy~

The slight difference is that now I will take requests on topics.  If there is anything you’d like me to blog about please let me know and I will ponder until something interesting comes out.

Aunty Candy official blog rules, regulations, what-nots and whoosits
Yes I am actually making rules

1) Please stay in at least the general area of the topic of the note when you are commenting.  I understand completely how sometimes one thing can lead you in a different direction but save it for another note.

2) My notes are often a social commentary.  I base what I write on my own experiences, research, other people around me’s experiences and life in general.  I am often not politically correct,  I do not use terms like “African-American”and “Caucasian”… to me they are black people/folk, and white people/folk.  I do on the other hand take offense to the use of the word “nigger”.  I do now and always will see it as a derogatory term.  If you use it on my blog it will be allowed but only under certain circumstances.  i.e. illustrating the difference between black people and niggers.

3) I can’t think of a three right now but I’m sure it’s there… this will get updated

Enjoy, tell your friends.  If this blog gets popular enough I shall create a second one which will be an advice colum.  People are forever coming to me with their problems big and small and often times the advice from one person could help 5 others.  But I will listen to Donann and only start one venture at a time.

Thank You,

~Aunty Candy~